The 7 Deadly Self-Preservation Tendencies And How To Overcome Them

Part 3 of Speaking Up

So why is speaking up REALLY becoming a “lost” art, increasingly rare, borderline extinct? One word (with a hyphen): Self-preservation.

So far, we’ve covered the importance of speaking up—reasons we don’t, reasons we should—and the influence that follows. Click here to read Part 1, Part 2.

Now let’s probe a layer deeper into the thing behind the thing that’s keeping you from speaking up, sabotaging your decision-making, and “protecting” you from LEADING! 

This blog will outline 7 deadly self-preservation tendencies that hold us back from maximum impact so you can identify yours.

Self-preservation is the enemy of real leadership. 

I was in my 30s, playing hockey about once a year in a men’s league game or the annual pond hockey championship (which IS as important as it sounds). At this point, I was a wear-glasses-when-driving-at-night kind of guy. 

No big deal until I realized my vision on the ice had suffered. I had a choice. Either continue competing in a blurred state and possibly win less games, go the Kareem Abdul Jabbar route and sport-goggle it, or get contacts. I chose to be a winner.

What happened next, I didn’t expect. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get my new contacts in my now bloodshot eyes. Three weeks into the struggle, I looked like Bob Costas hosting the 2014 Winter Olympics with double pink eye.

Several concerned friends came by the house to help get my contacts in and find the whites of my eyes again. They all fell prey to my highspeed lashes. 

Self-preservation is survival.

We all have survival mechanisms built in. Our bodies are designed to protect us from harm without thinking about it. I don’t ask them to, but my eyelashes are hell-bent on keeping all foreign objects out, namely a finger with a contact lens. 

As leaders, we have protection modes that will go off all around us if we don’t identify them and actively overpower them. We all do. It’s as involuntary as blinking and imperative we discover our default tendency so we can run the other way. 

It will be the hardest thing you ever do. 

Self-preservation is a mindset.

If you’ve ever cold plunged, you are familiar with the idea of a “perishable skill” whether you know it or not. I first heard author Allison Fallon talk about this concept. It means no matter how long you’ve been plunging, it doesn’t get any easier with experience. It’s always shocking. 

Overcoming your default mode of self-preservation is another perishable skill. It’s 33 degrees of difficulty, a daily battle, a mental hurdle that only seems to get higher.

Self-preservation is not always helpful.

After observing this phenomenon in myself and other leaders for two decades, I’ve compiled a list of self-preservation tendencies to help you identify and neutralize yours. 

See if you can find yourself on this somewhat-humorous-but-also-dead-serious list.

Blamers spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out who’s at fault versus solving the problem. For these leaders, what’s best for the team and organization is always second to their innocence. Co-workers who act like cops are likely blamers. Know any?

Blamers don’t speak up; they speak out against others.

• Mantra: “It’s their fault.” 
• Driving question: “Who dun it?”
• Motivation: Maintain innocence. 
• Goal: Establish a common enemy. 

Feels like an interrogation. Looks like a courtroom.

Sounds like: “Wait, who said that? Are you sure!? “But I thought you said…” 

Summary: "Blaming" moves the microscope to someone else, protecting them from owning their mistakes and keeping them from making things happen.

2. THE EXCUSER

A close cousin to the Blamer, excusers can’t hear feedback without also helping you understand why their hands were tied and you’re an idiot. I mean, imagine how good they’d be IF they had the tools to succeed (which they never do). Dang. 

Excusers do a nice job of speaking up when it’s too late with problems, not solutions.

• Mantra: “If only.”
• Driving question: “Do they see me as qualified?” 
• Motivation: Avoid embarrassment.
• Goal: Help you see how great they could be.

Feels like defensiveness. Looks like a teenager explaining anything to their parents.

Sounds like: “If only I had known sooner, I would have known sooner.” 

Summary: "Excusing" protects them from being the reason for failure. It's an art that leaves people wondering how good they could be at the expense of being good.

3. THE ESCAPER

Escapers disengage regularly based on a host of hard-to-pinpoint variables like stress and the weather that send them underground when overwhelmed. When their purpose goes so does their mojo. (This has been my preferred method of protection over the years.)

Escapers speak up IF AND WHEN they’re present and filled with purpose. 

• Mantra: “I’ll be back.”
• Driving question: “Does it really matter?” 
• Motivation: To matter.
• Goal: Be useful or nothing at all.

Summary: "Escaping" is a form of magic that makes them feel slightly less sad about their role in the bigger picture at the expense of changing the bigger picture. In return, they are protected from feelings of worthlessness.

4. THE CHEER-LEADER

Brimming with optimism and fueled by positivity, reality is their kryptonite. Keeping it light is HOW you go up and to the right with a cheer-leader, so you best be happy! They see the world through rose-colored glasses, whether it’s rosy or not. 

Cheer-leaders speak up when others need to cheer up. 

• Mantra: Isn’t this amazing? (pick your superlative)  
• Driving question: “Are we happy?” 
• Motivation: Avoid negativity. 
• Goal: Keep it light, no matter what.

Summary: "Cheering" is a FastPass to puppy levels of positivity that protects them from negativity and reality.

This one is a combo platter of avoiding hard conversations and putting off important tasks. Avoiders perceive any pushback (including healthy pushback) as conflict. Therefore, they couch their words until there’s nothing left or avoid speaking up altogether. Their favorite pastime is kicking the can down the road. 

Avoiders speak up when “not now” becomes “no choice.”   

• Mantra: Easy, hard. 
• Driving question(s): “Are we fighting?” and “Can it wait?” 
• Motivation(s): Peace. Possibly a nap. 
• Goal: Find the path of least resistance, preferably later.

Summary: "Avoiding" trades pressure today for an explosion tomorrow. It protects them from discomfort and provides a fleeting sense of peace as the impending doom of chronic avoidance quietly beckons. Serenity now, insanity later! 

Pleasers live in a constant state of decision paralysis thanks to a pointless pursuit of consensus. These leaders will change their hairstyle on a double take. They are easy to work with and awful to work for. 

Pleasers speak up with whatever you want to hear.

• Mantra: “I’m sorry?”
• Driving question: “Do they like me?” 
• Motivation: Make others happy.
• Goal: Be liked.

Summary: "Pleasing" protects them from rejection at the expense of real connection. It makes life easy until they realize how often they displease themselves and undermine their own leadership. I don’t know what happens then. 

7. THE YESSER

This is your quintessential company, man or woman—they are “all in” in all the wrong ways. It’s a yes before the question is finished, which sounds like music to your ears until you realize you’ve been “protected” from the truth and are delusional. The absence of their opinion from the equation relegates them to a mere conduit of information—a messenger. Then, they wonder why they feel stuck in the middle. 

Yessers speak up for themselves.

• Mantra: “Yes.”
• Driving question: “Will this make my boss happy AND me look good?”
• Motivation: Climb the ladder. 
• Goal: Pave a path of yesses to the top. Unfortunately, an unavoidable NO is coming someday that will bring the house of yesses crashing down. 

Summary: "Yessing" opens dopamine pathways and doors, protecting them from saying no or slowing down promotions. In exchange, they lose respect from people below AND eventually above. 

A true classic. “One-up-ers” have a knack for hijacking conversations. It’s almost a thing of beauty until you realize they just took your story and found a way to beat it.

One-up-ers might speak up for others if they ever stopped speaking about themselves.

• Mantra: “Me too!” (Not hashtag.)
• Driving question: “Is there any part of what this person is saying that connects to something I’ve done or experienced that happens to be slightly better?”
• Motivation: Seem important. 
• Goal: Impress you.

Summary: “One-up-ing” is a way of elevating over others while insulating from listening and the possibility of learning... anything. It protects them from being seen as “less than,” causing people to want to punch them. 

A few honorable mentions: 

• The Micromanager. ”I’d still love to have eyes on it.”
• The Diminisher: “I’ll do it myself.” 
• The Holepoker: “Yeah, BUT…”
• The Bulldozer: “Too late.”
• The Reverser: “I agree with you… right now… but remember, two 180s is a 360.”
• The Gossiper: “Did you hear?”
• The Cynic-er: “That won’t work.”

WHICH SELF-PRESERVATION TENDENCY DESCRIBES YOU?

We all have a default mode. I’m sure there are more, and maybe I missed yours, but the question is:

Are you aware of your self-preservation mode? 

Maybe you dabble in more than one. I certainly have. For years, I saved my solutions for the car ride home. I loved to blame leadership for all that was wrong until, one day, I realized I could do something about it.

Self-preservation is beatable. 

Step one is to identify it; only then can you rectify it! For me, it’s escaping. I go in and out of being wildly engaged or zombified. Like the high and low tide of the ocean, I’m crashing down with passion or lost at sea without purpose. No in-between. 

When I’m not speaking up it’s because I’m out to lunch—sharpening my sword, painting my face blue, or braiding my horse’s hair in the barn while a battle rages on. 

But now that I know my tendency, I can show up when I want to hide, reach out when I want to isolate and stop protecting myself from doing what a great leader would do. 

What is it for you?

Thank you for reading!

• Next, we will dive into why it’s so difficult to let go of what’s best for us, followed by all the benefits of doing just that. 
• Let me know in the comments which form of self-preservation you resonated with and which ones I missed. 👨‍💻
• If this was helpful or you know someone who needs to read this, consider sharing on your socials. 🚀
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