PART 1 “Fear LESS, Hear More.”

If you had something in your teeth, would you want to know about it? 

Maybe something (hard to hear) is holding you back from getting to the next level in your career—a specific reason you are not being promoted—would you want to know why? 

For most of us, the answer would be—OF COURSE!!!

But what if the last ten times you had lettuce lodged in your adult braces, it was brought to you in a hurtful, unnecessarily public, or shame-inducing way? 

I’m guessing the answer would be more like: 

“It depends… Who’s giving me the feedback? Do I know them? Do they care about me? Are they telling me in private or making a scene? Are they judging me for having braces as an adult?

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There is no in-between.

In my experience, organizations either give hurtful, overly direct feedback or dance around the issues for days. They give way too much feedback, nitpicking their people to death or none at all. 

No feedback is ONLY better than bad feedback, but here’s the problem: 

We all need feedback!

A thriving feedback culture is often what separates good from great organizations and is one of the most overt indicators of health. 

So how do we create a culture that wants to hear it, doesn’t fear it, and does it in a way that honors the people involved?

It starts with getting 3 things in place.

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But first, let’s calibrate around the 4 types of feedback, according to my sweet new infographic…

To oversimplify…

• Hurtful feedback makes you wanna quit.
• Unhelpful feedback makes you wanna cringe.
• Helpful feedback makes you wanna try.
• “Aha” feedback makes you wanna change.

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Based on this model, how would the people you lead describe the kind of feedback they are getting? 

I was cinching what looked like a bracelet around my six-year-old daughter’s waist, trying to prop up her unicorn jeans when she said, “They never help; they only hurt.” 

She was referring to belts.

But for some leaders, this is exactly how your people would describe the feedback they are getting. 

“It never helps; it only hurts.”

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What side of the “Fear LESS Feedback” continuum would your current culture be categorized by?

Six years ago, before the great resignation, we were clearly spending too much time on the left side of the continuum. Good people were leaving at an alarming rate. 

We flipped the script in a tourniquet-style attempt to stop the bleeding and start the healing. We had no choice and knew eventually we’d have no people. (More specifics on HOW to do that in PART 2.) 

All these years later—having seen the effect of getting it right (not perfect)—I’m now convinced that the feedback culture you are cultivating OR allowing has the power to make or break your organization.

It’s one of the main reasons people stay or go.

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When our people fear less, they hear more.

No fear is not possible. But one of the fastest ways for leaders to lower the wall of fear and raise the level of trust is to prioritize three things: Who, When, and Why.

Introducing The Fear LESS Checklist: Think of this as a safety check before you wreck yourself—or worse, someone else… 

1. Fear less feedback is relational.

• WHO: Am I the right person to deliver it _____?
  • Do I know this person? 
  • Do I like this person?  
  • Do I have the relational equity to go in on this?
  • Do I know what I’m talking about? (Do I need to know what I’m talking about?)
  • Who?

Trust is the currency of a ‘fear less feedback culture.’ But trust only exists in relationship. So, unfortunately, if you don’t know someone, you probably aren’t the one to challenge them. Either find someone who does or wait until you do.

Check your relationship. __√__

2. Fear less feedback is timely.

• WHEN: Is this the right time _____?
  • Is it even fixable in the time we have? 
  • Are they in an emotional place to handle it? 
  • Is this a real-time coaching or a follow-up situation?
  • If it’s game time, can it wait? (Ex. 3 minutes before a big presentation is not the time for significant changes.)
  • When?

When we understand and care about the headspace of others, our words land softer. Softer landings mean less resistance, and more of your words will stick.

Also, small bits of feedback over time is better than waiting for one big shark bite. Unfortunately, many leaders (including me) can skip the quick coaching moments in lieu of a one-time, soul-crushing callout known as an annual review. It could have been a cleaning but grew into a root canal.   

Kim Scott says it this way: “Radical candor is like brushing and flossing. It’s not supposed to be a root canal.” @kimballscott

Check your timing. __√__

3. Fear less feedback is others-focused.

• WHY: Why do I want to give this feedback _____?
  • Is it to power up or prop up?
  • Is it to feel productive?
  • Is it to prove myself or help someone else?
  • Is it to look smart or make it better? 
  • Is it for them or me? 
  • Why?

Not everyone is ready for reality, but it’s easier to hear hard truths if they believe your motivation is to help.

When we trust that someone is for us, we can receive just about anything from them. 

There will always be a degree of fear involved in giving and receiving feedback, but the motivation to help others thrive, makes the awkwardness subside.

Check your motivation. __√__

If you checked all three, by all means, proceed. (speak up)

Who, when, why. √

If you checked 2 out of 3? Wait and see… (or said another way, shut up)

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Feedback is the dialogue of development. 

It’s a conversation that must be carefully curated, not haphazardly handled. And like every good convo, it’s two-way, which means you can’t control how someone else responds. After all, receiving hard feedback is HARD.

Helpful feedback is more than just true; it’s given at the right time, with the right why, by a person who cares enough to walk alongside.

Give that kind of feedback consistently over time and people will begin to FEAR LESS and HEAR MORE. Then, you’ll be well on your way to building a culture that cares enough to go in on things while remembering we are all human beings with feelings. 

It changes everything.

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Thank you for reading PART 1!!!!

If your culture is past the point of tweaks, I’ll be tackling what it means to flip the script and how to use the two main levers for change next month. Hint: It involves Scooby-snacks. 

I hope this was helpful and would love to hear your experience building or rebuilding a culture of feedback. Hit me up in the comments, and I’ll be sure to respond. 

If you’re interested in having me speak to your team about the importance of feedback and ways to keep the conversation healthy and the content helpful—please reach out!

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