The transition.
I can’t think of a more awkward transition than friend to boss. I’d rather have adult braces. Which I do! If you haven’t experienced this unique discomfort yet, you will. Just wait. (not the braces)
And…
Leading a fool will make you feel CRAZY; it’s a fast-track to questioning your own sanity.
Answer: “No, you’re dealing with foolery.”
Lead people long enough and you will lead friends AND fools. This blog will give you the tools to navigate both (without losing friendships or your mind).
Each requires something different:
Fools need “rules,” and friends need “real.”
Let’s dive in, friend first. (It’s easier.)
Leading friends without losing friendships.
Why is this dynamic so challenging? Because friendships don’t have power dynamics. But now they do. So, what do you do?
Welp. You do everything possible to remove the power differential—by focusing on the team.
Speak in “We’s” not “Me’s” and you’re halfway there. But now let’s talk nuance. This is where the dynamic is won and lost.
1. Be real.
Don’t avoid it; talk about it.
“Man, this is new and weird. How are you doing? How am I doing? I like you.”
And for the love, do NOT use corporate lingo. You’re still talking with a friend—someone you care deeply about. Avoid your inner Robocop at all costs. No exceptions.
Be even more human than you were—not less.
I mean “real” real, not “BeReal.”
You might be their superior on an org chart, but you are still equals in real life. Don’t forget that! (amazingly, some do)
For example, instead of saying, “Dude works for me,” try, “we get to work together.”
It’s a simple way to equalize and keep the focus on the bigger picture. And it’s true!
Being honest is the only way to break through the awkwardness.
Sure, there will be things you can’t share, but that’s rare.
Stay honest (even when you’re tempted to veer). Stay in it… Lean in and be real.
2. Be realistic.
Don’t deny it; minimize it.
The dynamic HAS shifted. Your friendship WILL be different. But it can be ‘almost’ what it was, possibly even better, unless you unnecessarily allow it to get weird.
Then, enjoy it.
Leading friends is not only possible, but it makes work way more fun. And work is way too much of our lives to not be fun. What a gift!
But fun is never free.
Here are two common pitfalls to avoid:
1. Withholding feedback
- No doubt, the tendency is to hold back, which is ironic because there is more trust in the bank.
- Be the boss your friend can be proud of. The one who cares enough to speak up.
“When we lean in less with friends, it only robs them.”
2. Showing favoritism
- Going “toe to toe” is a great way to show your team you are impartial. You are, right?
- This doesn’t mean picking a fight or forcing an artificial argument, but don’t shy away from disagreeing publicly. Your team needs to know you will.
“Be the leader your team can be proud of.”
Bottom line:
When in doubt, be more human, less corporate—turn your hat backwards and keep it real. Friends need “real.” If they sense you’re holding back your humanity, it won’t go well.
Now that we've mastered leading friends. Let's tackle fools... Which, in some ways, might be the best option… less talk, more tackle.
3 Reasons Fools make us feel crazy
1. Fools don’t feel it.
And by “it,” I mean a “normal” amount of shame or guilt, a desire to change, the need to say sorry, or seemingly anything. Are they even human?
2. Fools don’t hear it.
Sure, you said it but it’s news to them. Don’t be surprised when they are ALWAYS surprised.
3. Fools don’t heed it.
IF you finally do get through to a fool, there’s only one play left: To simply not listen. This step will send you to the loony bin if you let it. We can’t let that happen!
They don’t respond the way you or I do. Which is why…
Fools need to “feel” correction with consequences, or it didn’t happen.
And as someone who loves a good Cinderella story, I learned that the hard way. In contrast, wise people can be called out ONCE and adjust accordingly. No pain needed.
Dr. Henry Cloud says it this way:
If the chief descriptor of the wise person is that when the light shows up, he looks at it, receives it, joins it and adjusts his behavior to align with the light, the fool does the opposite: he rejects the feedback, resists it, explains it away and does nothing to adjust to meet its requirements. He’s never wrong: someone else is.
In Necessary Endings (a must-read), he talks about: “The wise, the Foolish, and the Evil: Identifying Which Kinds of People Deserve Your Trust.”
I’ve experienced all three over the years.
Don’t let the term “fool” fool you.
These people can be brilliant or extremely talented (in some areas), but they lack the awareness and self-discipline to listen, learn and adjust. They are above correction.
And…
“If you’re above correction, you’ll always live below your God-given potential.”
How do you recognize a fool?
- defensive
- quick to blame others
- slow to own mistakes, if ever
They…
- craft elaborate excuses
- leave you scratching your head
- find new ways to frame the same old problem
And there’s…
- a sense they are squandering their talent
- a frustrating inability to learn from their mistakes
How do you motivate a fool to change?
Painfully direct communication AND consequences.
That’s it.
The last chance is your only chance.
Fools only change if forced. So, don’t spend years giving chances to someone who will only change if they HAVE TO. A performance plan with no end time is a waste of time!
Deadlines are lifelines for fools.
Because fools like to learn the hard way; put them on the clock or you will have the same conversation until you do.
More from Henry:
“Give limits that stop the collateral damage of their refusal to change, and where appropriate, give consequences that will cause them to feel the pain of their choice not to listen.”
Don’t wait another day.
Don’t hesitate to act, for their sake and yours. The rest of your team is waiting for you to do the right thing. 🤺
“Fools need “rules.” If they sense another chance, they will not change.”
The classic “Fool’s trade.”
Beware of how much time you are spending on your lowest performers. It happens slowly over time and then suddenly—you’re upside down!
…a check-in here, a follow-up there, filling out a performance plan, fires to douse, ten brutal confrontations, and wait!!!!! I’ve completely neglected my first team. Just me?
The Low/High Paradox:
- Low performers end up sucking a disproportionate amount of your time—if you let them.
- High performers don’t need nearly as much because “they’re good,” which is why we neglect them. They are so “on it” we forget to get “in it” with them because they “got it!”
But here’s the kicker: Give someone like that a fraction of the time and they will blow your mind.
“Don’t neglect your highest performers—who multiply your energy—for the sake of your lowest performers, who zap it.”
About a year ago, I had unknowingly made this fool’s trade. Through tears, I was gently reminded by one of our best leaders that a fifteen-minute zoom call was not enough. I vowed never to let it happen again. And then “Oops, I did it again” to someone else.
But why? Because leaders are problem solvers, we naturally gravitate to the “broken bird” or the fire we can fix. Only there is no putting out a fool’s fire.
Great intentions.
Tools for Fools.
Now let’s get practical.
Use this tool to get a quick reality check on who GETS your time and who should.
- Write out a list of your team in order of the time/energy they require from you.
- Then put them in order of performance.
- Then wince when you realize you are upside down.
- Adjust accordingly.
Presenting…
THE ENERGY SUCK SCALE
Who’s your Sally?
What you see on this scale is normal and produces normal results.
Flip it, and you will get “abnormal,” uncommon, maybe even extraordinary results. Because “Sally’s” turn your energy into jet fuel, that same attention goes exponentially further than it does with Fred. Sorry Fred, but it’s true.
Why is this so stinkin’ important?
Well, every person you lead needs a certain amount of attention. And, of course, you have a finite amount to give. This simple tool is a great way to recalibrate and redistribute according to what’s best, not what’s easiest.
Check your energy suck. Otherwise, the “squeaky wheel” will always get the grease when they need a squirt of reality.
Fools CAN flourish.
The good news? It CAN work. But fools are wildly unpredictable; some can make the turn and some never learn.
And that’s not up to you; how you lead is.
Keep it real with friends. Be crystal clear with fools. And you will…
Be the leader a friend or fool wants to follow.
THANK YOU for reading!
- It means the world, FOR REAL!!!!!
- And just in case you weren’t 100% sure… if you’re reading this blog—you are not a fool. (They already know it all.)
- Unsure when to grease? If you need help with navigating these crazy-making dynamics, hit me up. I’d love to help.
- Want me to speak to your team? Let’s chat.
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