Moving From Proving To Improving
Have you noticed—no matter what kind of work you’re having done on your house—the person giving you a bid always rips on the work that’s already been done?
Is there a drywall guy on the planet that thinks someone else’s work is good?
No one comes in and says, “Well, it looks like the drywall was done by a pro.”
Usually, it sounds more like…
“Well, whoever did this must have been completely insane, possibly drunk and a bonified ‘hack,’ BUT we can rip it all out, do the same thing and keep this cycle of insanity going if you’d like. You are lucky to be alive.”
“Also, this is not my first rodeo.”
Proving mode: A state of needing everyone to know that you know.
This is not just a drywall problem; this is an occupational hazard that permeates every profession at any level of the org chart. It’s one of the least talked about, most pervasive reasons people don’t thrive in their careers.
None of us are safe from it and becoming it. Our inner ‘know-it all’ is one weak moment away from making us walk the proving plank. So, the faster we recognize it, the sooner we can “knock it off!” Then improving can begin.
This blog will outline three overly practical steps to help eliminate the urge to tell people it's not your first rodeo. And more importantly, help you start moving from proving to improving.
Self-awareness is a super-power.
We are drawn to people who are clear on what they are good at and what they are not. It’s attractive and leads to influence. And, of course, leadership is just influence with a title.
Want more influence? Less proving, more improving.
“When we finally stop pretending, we can start ascending.”
Not before. And yes, it rhymes—which is probably why I like it—but it’s true!
Step 1: Stop pretending.
When I was teaching my five-year-old boy how to skate…
I’d say, “Hendi, let’s go work on skating!”
He’d reply, “But Dad, I already know how to skate.”
Do you? He just switched over from double blades, which are essentially shoes, to actual ice skates.
We need to stop pretending we know when we don’t.
That’s a natural response for a kid. Unfortunately, some of us never grow out of that mentality. We desperately want others to think we know what we’re doing. It’s ok to not. That’s what YouTube is for.
“Some of us are so busy trying to prove ourselves we miss the chance to learn.”
At my lowest, I’ve even called people out in front of others—simply so everyone knows I KNOW they are wrong. Kids do that all the time. It’s the side of me that reminds me of my humanity. #workinprogress
So, what is it for you?
∆ I want people to think I know ________.
∆ I spend energy proving I’m good at ________.
For me, it can depend on several factors: who I’m with, recent failures, narratives in my head, what I ate for breakfast, if I’m feeling overlooked or invisible etc. etc.
In case you’re still wondering if you fall into this trap…
Proving language looks like this:
- “No, I know.”
- “Yeah, I thought of that too!”
- “That was easy!”
- “Been there done that.” (classic)
- “Have you thought of???”
- “Amateur hour.”
- And my personal favorite, “This is not my first rodeo.”
TIME OUT! If you ever find yourself saying, “This is not my first rodeo” (and you’re serious), it’s time to hang up the spurs and head out to pasture. Click for video.
SO HOW do we stop pretending?
- Be honest with yourself and others about where you’re at.
- Admit what you’re good at AND what you’re not.
- Acknowledge what’s going well and where you could grow.
That’s it. Sounds easy, but it’s increasingly rare and requires incredible self-awareness. Recognizing BOTH sides of the coin means owning the good, the bad, and the reality.
Here’s an example:
Hi, I’m Dave. I’m middle-aged. I haven’t achieved most of the goals I set for myself in my 20s or 30s. As a result, I often get stuck wondering what went wrong instead of trying to make it happen in my 40s.
Too honest? Borderline depressing, but true.
But wait! Now add the other side of the coin.
Sure, I haven’t achieved all my dreams, BUT I have an incredible family, four healthy kids, a beautiful wife, and a job I love. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about leadership and I’m noticing things are going really stinkin’ well in our culture.
George Costanza modeled this well. At least the first half of it.
“My name is George. I’m unemployed and live with my parents.“
There seems to be a Seinfeld corollary for every blog I write. Should I be concerned? Do we like this? Anyway, drop the charade by saying it out loud. It sounds like freedom. Find your ‘inner George’ and remember:
You have nothing to prove.
Step 2: Get Curious.
A mentor of mine was a garbage man who also happens to be a multi-millionaire. (He owned the trucks AND the dump.) He keeps a picture of his middle school report card on his phone to prove anything’s possible. It was almost all Fs.
I’ll never forget his response when I asked what he attributes his success to the most.
He said, “My IQ is low, but my EQ is really high.”
He continued…
“But my CQ is off the charts! —which has made the biggest difference.”
Curiosity quotient! What is that???
- IQ – School skills
- EQ – People skills
- CQ – Learning skills
He put CQ above IQ and EQ. I had never even heard of that Q. All of us can benefit from being more curious. So, how’s your CQ?
“When we are stuck in proving mode it’s about us. Improving mode is about what we can learn.“
Leaders and kids are learners.
The people thriving in adulthood all have one thing in common: They never lost their curiosity. That alone makes them better with people and more open to learning. However, if you’ve lost your wonder along the way, there is good news—you can learn to be a learner (again).
And we get it back, one question at a time.
Raise your CQ.
Curiosity breeds curiosity. The more questions you ask, the more you want to know. It spirals in the best way. Raise your CQ by asking questions!!!
Try this phrase: “Teach me your ways.” It will instantly endear people to you.
Practice saying, “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?” It’s freeing and forces you to let go of the need to be seen as an expert. EVEN IF YOU ARE!
Listen to learn.
Ironically, posturing yourself as a life-long learner leads to more influence. And that’s not a leadership thing; it’s a human nature thing.
When real experts ask questions or get feedback, they don’t just listen. They listen AND learn. How do I know? THEY MAKE CHANGES.
“Listening becomes learning when behavior changes.”
You have lots to learn.
I have lots to learn. We have lots to learn. Let’s keep learning!
Step 3: No more “Buts!”
We all do this on some level. “Yeah BUT…” No. Just stop.
Simon Sinek says, “Bad leaders care about who’s right. Good leaders care about what’s right.” Proving leaders care about who’s right. Improving leaders care about what’s right.
We mess up. We get feedback. We blame. It can be knee-jerk, which is why proving is so insidious and hard to snuff out.
“The path to no more excuses starts with no more BUTS!”
If you are making an impact, you are making mistakes along the way.
There’s no way around it, but there is an almost magical phrase that will make it all better.
As soon as someone says this magical phrase to me—even if I had nothing to do with it—I’m determined to fall on that sword. I would argue it is the most disarming statement on the planet. When someone drops it…
All the oxygen comes flowing back into the room, the blood returns to my brain, and I can see clearly again…
I wasn’t even there, but then you said, “My Bad!”
Activate… Thelma and Louise mode.
“OUR BAD!!”
Why is it so dang effective?
“Because when people take ownership, it makes you want to help carry the load.”
Whatever happened to “MY Bad” anyway? With how obsessed we are with the 90s right now, I can’t think of a better time to bring it back and own our mistakes. Try it!
A few other options to try out depending on your vibe:
- My bad (The Swiss-army option)
- I’m sorry. (Timeless)
- My bust. (Also 90’s)
- My fault. (Classic)
- My mistake. (Direct)
- That’s on me. (Endearing)
Just pick one.
Just own it.
Moving from proving to improving IS the pathway to more influence.
Improving mode: A state of owning where you’re at, for real, and doing everything in your power to get a little better each day without making excuses.
- Stop pretending. You have nothing to prove.
- Get curious. You have lots to learn.
- No more buts. Just own it.
Practice all three steps, and you will find yourself on the improving side of “It’s not my first rodeo,” wondering why we can’t just do good work without excuses or ripping on the past.
You can.
Go get em’!
Thank you for reading!
- Leadership is hard. I hope this was helpful.
- Feel free to email me if you have questions or want to learn more. In it with you!
- I love hearing from you. There is nothing better. *If you do drywall, I’m joking. Chances are if you are reading leadership blogs you are the exception. 😅
- If you haven’t subscribed to the blog yet, what are you waiting for!? 🤷♂️ Jk, but seriously, tell me. I’ll try harder.
See ya in the comments. Back next month with more… Bye.
Dang, man. I love your brain. Thank you for doing the HARD work of making big truths so concise and attainable, I love the style of your writing. Super practical, self-deprecating, feels like I’m chatting with you.
Your wisdom is the greatest thing you bring to our church. There.
Your words. Power. Ironically, it’s what I was trying to convey to you the other day. Your insight is a gift. Thanks as always Mike!
“Listening becomes learning when behavior changes.” I love that quote. It reminds me of the verse James 1:22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
Hearing without doing is for kids… right? Thanks for commenting mom. You are the best.
I believe that CQ is in your DNA. After all, you are my son! Honestly, you bring a maturity of thought to your writing that demonstrates your desire to know yourself, improve your people skills, empower others while maintaining a healthy life perspective. if there is anything in your DNA you wish wasn’t, I’ll just say “My bad…”
Ha! I wish I had half your curiosity for strangers. It’s a gift. Thanks for reading, dad.
I have long been impressed by your leadership, Dave. This wise article is another example as to the why. God on ya, mate.
Duke! I’m so honored. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I loved my time at Apple and learned a ton from your leadership. I was clearly still figuring things out, yet you gave me space to be creative in my approach and be myself.
Thank you for that.